Some Nursery Rhyme Jokes (not suitable for kids!)

So, i’m goin a bit of hard drive cleaning up in the never ending quest to get everthing organised or at least the system by which to keep it that way. Anyway, enough about that, I found some dirty nursery rhyme jokes!! Enjoy!

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
…but she didn’t wear that one very often

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said f**k him, He’s only an egg.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it’s ass
and turned it’s wool to nylon

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there’s little Franky.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.

    • Daniel
    • December 30th, 2014

    Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water, Jack came down 9 months later with a baby daughter

    • Umanga Ruhunage
    • November 27th, 2014

    jack and jill went up the hill

    • slimzou812
    • November 2nd, 2014

    Hickory dickery doc the bitch was ducking my cock the clock struck two I below my gew and dropped her off down the road a few blocks

    • Jake
    • May 28th, 2014

    Mary had a little lamb and took it to a wedding tied to a table leg and kicked its f###ing head in.

    • Chipo
    • February 15th, 2014

    Jack an Jill went up the hill to do it in the water. Jack slipped the condom ripped and Jill had a daughter.

    • Jason Laing
    • February 11th, 2014

    There once was a lady from Sweden
    she had parculiar feelin
    so she layed on her back, opened her crack
    and pissed all over the ceiling

    • thereaper9901
    • November 5th, 2013

    jack and jill went up the hill to lick her candy jack was suprized with a moth full of cock for jills real name was randy

    • jake
    • September 19th, 2013

    there was a man called Dave who dug up a whore from her grave she was moldy as shit and missing a tit but think of the money he had saved

    • Shan
    • August 1st, 2013

    Jack and Jill went up the hill
    And did it in the water
    Jack slipped
    His condom ripped
    And now they have a daughter

    • Georgebenjy
    • February 20th, 2013

    Hivkery Dickery Dock
    the mouse ran up the clock
    the clock is now being repaired.

    • Georgebenjy
    • February 20th, 2013

    Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
    Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
    All the kings men & horses 
    had scrambled eggs for breakfast !

    • Benjy George
    • February 20th, 2013

    Mary had a little lamb, the midwife fainted.

    • Patrick
    • February 11th, 2013

    Jack Sprat could eat no fat

    His wife could eat no lean

    So while Jack is flat

    His wife’s the fattest bitch I’ve ever seen.


    Mary had a little lamb

    Its fleece was thick and hairy

    She brushed its ass so hard one day

    She popped its fucking cherry


    Little Jack Horner

    Sat in a corner

    Rubbing Miss Susie’s thigh

    When he felt a fur patch

    And stuck his thumb up her snatch

    He found that Miss Susie was dry

    • Hunetrb
    • December 19th, 2012

    Mary had a little lamb,she tied him to a heater,every time he would lift his leg,he would burn his little peter

      • dustinschutz
      • June 14th, 2015

      heres a joke for ya

      boy: want to here a joke about my dick nevermind its to long
      girl: want to here a joke about my pussy nevermind you wont get it

    • Mythrider4
    • November 26th, 2012

    Here’s one

    old macdonald sitting on a bench, poking his balls with a monkey wrench, his balls got hot he burdened his balls, then jumped off niagara falls, he went to the doctor the doctor said, “sorry sonney your balls are dead”, once my people bury me, tie my baLls to a cheery tree, nice there ripe, take a bite, tell me if they taste alright

    • Scott john simpson
    • October 27th, 2012

    Doctor doctor i need some glasses yes you do ur in a restaurant

    • Doitghu
    • February 12th, 2011

    Mary had a little lamb and it kept on grunting, she tied it to a five bar gate and kicked it’s little !?!? In….

    • kirsty
    • November 28th, 2009

    jack & jill went up the hill so jack could lick jills fanny. jack got a shock & a mouth full of cock cos jill was a pree opp tranny

    • lauren
    • August 1st, 2009

    there all shiit lools….. this1 iis da bollox….:

    there was an old man from gosham
    who took hes bollox out to wash ’em
    hes wife said “oh jack if you dont but em bk
    im gna stamp on the bastards and squash ’em

    • gina
    • June 11th, 2009

    this sucks what bout rymeing poems like: here i sit broken hearted
    tried to shit but only farted
    here i sit in a trance
    tried to fart but shit my pants

    that is better han this stupid stuff

      • Lisa
      • May 10th, 2014

      what would be better is if you spelled this fucked shit correctly !!

  1. Nice jokes. Thanks!

    • here is a few
    • February 11th, 2009

    jack and jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, stupid jill forgot her pill and now shes got a daughter.

    milk milk lemonade this is where the baby’s are made stick your finger in a hole and out comes a tootsie roll.

    jack and jill went up da hill so jack could lick jills candy, but jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock, because jills real name was randy.

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